by Joe Oreilly
“Pokemon” sucks. Incase you don’t know what I'm talking about (in which case I say "Lucky you"), pokemon is that lameass game boy game, made by Nintendo, for Nintendo.
The game is absolutely pointless. It is rated “E” for “everyone” by the “ESRB” which is some almighty authority on all things that are savory and unsavory.
First off, anything that is rated “E” is going to suck. Period. I haven’t played one game that has been rated “E” that didn’t bite the big one. Coincidentally, the only rated “E” games I have played are “Pokemon” games. Oh, the irony!
Basically, “Pokemon” is just a cartridge full of suck. Immediately when you pop it into your game boy, your senses are assaulted by shitty monotone music, and flashing visuals that are sure to invoke seizures in any little Ritalin filled asshole under the age of 8.
When you first start out, (we’re talking about “Pokemon Yellow” here, bare with me) you are introduced to the main players in the game. “Dr. Oak“, which is some old balding, hippy, asshole professor that spends his life in a laboratory studying little pieces of shit “Pokemon”. “Ash”, which is you, the unlucky bastard who just paid 30 bucks for this suckfest, and some other asshole, whose name I can’t remember.
You are given one “Pokemon”, which is “Pikachu”, a little rat shaped thing that does nothing except follow you around. Worthless little piece of shit. If you can, sell him at a nearby town.
Basically, you run around, killing shit with your “Pokemon” for the next 400 hours of your life that you devote to this game. When I say “killing shit”, I use that phrase lightly. You don’t actually “kill” stuff, you make them “faint”. There is no gore, no blood nor guts, no severed heads. Its shit.
In fact, don’t buy “Pokemon”, and don’t buy “Game Boy”. They both suck. No game can be enjoyed on a two inch by two and a half inch screen. If you want to invest in something made by Nintendo, invest in the “NES”, the most kick ass console ever made. EVER. Also, get “N64” because that kicked ass too.