I'd like to begin by apologizing for the terrible location of this thread. However, I couldn't find a more suitable forum. That being said, a friend of mine advised me to make a timeline for my game. This is supposed to make the screenwriting process more fluent.

I'm using as a basis lucht pecht's (a.k.a. noise) excellent tutorial, STORY STRUCTURE IN GAME DESIGN and this real world map of trade routes of the Nabatean Kingdom. I'm writing the timeline at this precise moment. I'll try to be coherent and concise. It might not make too much sense.

viewtopic.php?f=270&t=74861



The Hook

The Nabatean Kingdom, located within the Arabia and Judea provinces, is expanding its borders. Having already taken over the Samarian Kingdom, the Nabateans attack the Sirian Kingdom.

Two main characters, Bella and Alis, are leading the attack on Damascus. The other main characters, Flamma, Mirus, Felis and Juvo, are also in Damascus.

The attack goes as planned and the Sirian Kingdom surrenders. The main characters, except Bella and Alis, escape to Palmira.

Alis goes on his own to find Flamma. He gets ill in the Sirian Desert. Bella must save Alis. To save him, he must go to the Bosra, the sacred city of Siria.

The other main characters also wind up in the desert, since they must travel to Alexandria and must stay away from open roads. A sandstorm leads them into Bosra.

The Characters

Bella and Alis, generals of the Nabatean army.
Flamma, the runaway Nabatean princess.
Felis and Juvo, pirates.
Mirus, the storyteller.

The Inciting Incident

Bella, with help from the other characters, manages to save Alis. Flamma reveals her real intentions. Bella promises to take them to Alexandria.

In Gerasa, they meet Hostia, the antagonist, leading the army to Alexandria. In order to beat them to Alexandria, the party must travel by sea.

They grab a boat from Gaza to Alexandria. They meet with the King of Egypt and warn him the army is on its way.

The Midpoint

A climatic battle takes places on Alexandria. The Nabatean army retreats.

The party forms a rebel alliance between the Egyptian Kingdom, and the nomad tribes of the Neguev and Sinai deserts. They rebel army leads an attack to Petra, the Nabatean capital.

They rebel army takes over the capital, but just when it claims victory, they're betrayed by the nomads. Hostia reveals having been in control all this time.

Hostia kills the Nabatean King, enraging Bella, Alis and Flamma. The party manages to escape to the Wadi Rum desert.

The Point Of No Return

The party is split in two. Bella, Alis and Flamma continue to the Nafud desert. Mirus, Felis and Juvo go on to Leuke Come.

Bella thinks they still have a chance to defeat Hostia. The must go to Medina and ally with Arabian Kingdom before it's too late.

They cross the Wadi Rum and the Nafud deserts to get to Medina, only to realize it has also surrendered to the Nabatean Kingdom.

The Climax

When all hope is lost, they hear about another rebel army in the uncharted provinces. They head down to Myos Hornos by way of Karkuma.

The party allies with the rebel army. The lead the army to Leuke Come. Here they meet with the other party members, who have also gathered rebel soldiers.

The army heads over to Petra, but instead of fighting head on, they wait until nightfall and infiltrate the city through the sewers.

While the battle is going on, the party finds Hostia, who has now ascended to a God-like figure, and defeat him.

The End

Having taken over Petra, the party now has the hard task of liberating the provinces. Flamma, as the true successor to the Nabatean throne. Bella and Alis, as generals of the Nabatean army.

Felis and Juvo return to Damascus. Mirus, who has been telling the story, heads over to Medina, to start a story of her own.

Come on, guys. This can't be the worst plot you've ever heard. And it's not even a plot per se. It's a timeline to help draw out a plot. That's why most of the descriptions are just movements from one place to another.

Most of your character/place names end with the letter A, it kind of makes it distracting to read.
Really there doesn't seem like much uniqueness to it, seems bland and generic and reminds me of FF2 a bit.

After saying that, what can I suggest? That's why I didn't post a reply after reading it the first time.

I think you're right. This is far too 16-bit RPG plot, which is better than the 8-bit RPG plot, but still no good. I need to rewrite this. Or hire a writer.

I feel like I don't have a lot to say because I don't know your characters. How are they related to the larger story, etc. There's nothing wrong with the way your plot progresses per se, but it's a lot of "chasing the black-caped man" without clearly stating why.

Remember that in the classic 3 Act Structure, "act one" sets up your characters. Near the end of the first act, Plot Point 1/The Inciting Incident occurs. An unexpected twist that takes the story in the direction it's going to keep going. This is Act Two, the bulk of your story. Pressure, drama, everything gradually grows larger. Give them hell. Make sure the protagonist and the antagonist's goals are related and they somehow prevent each other from reaching their respective goals, just to make the conflict believable. Stuff is allowed to get more complicated. Act Three is the resolution; its central idea is the definitive confrontation. But the story doesn't get to that, of course. First, there's the so-called CRISIS (all the cards are on the table, the decision is now, there's only one way to reach the goal. It's the silence before the storm.) It's the moment where we're supposed to see THE EVOLUTION your characters have made. The end goes crisis/confrontation/obligatory scene (the scene that is needed for the story to make sense)/climax (determining a winner and a loser)/resolution (wrapping up loose ends, asap).

That's the theory, but there's several ways to implement all of that on your story.
As cliché'd as it is, the "McGuffin" (a pointless object that two people are both looking for) is a potential dramatic goal. I assume your character's goal is to warn the next city that the bad guys are coming, or more broadly, to stop Hostia's army. Try at least putting a "time lock" situation in there; i.e. they have to hurry before it's too late. Suspense is everything! (And remember "suspense" does not equal "surprise")
Don't forget the "or else?" question. What if they don't succeed? Provide enough obstacles along the way. Obstacles that grow increasingly large and dangerous. Perhaps have your character make an essential choice: should we keep defending the lands or should we leave and find the help we've been told of, because it'll be better in the long run? Morality questions. Always a good one.
Plant a bomb underneath the table (impending doom the player knows of, but the characters don't. Foreshadowing danger.)

Distinguish your story and your plot. Your story is what you, the author knows, the full tale as it happens, chronologically. There are no secrets here. You know everything. Who, what, where, when and WHY?
The plot is what is presented to the player, how he experiences it. Things aren't always what they seem in this version.

Your succession of events is very simple as it is now, it has the potential of being interesting but it need more information to begin with. I can't really say much else.

It's a little TOO paraphrased for me. I think you need to go into a bit more detail. This is a good outline for your own notes, but a bit too hard for me to really grasp or follow without knowing the finer details. So I can't really form a particular opinion because it's too bare bones.